Pub 18. Noah’s Ark, Hartshill. 29/03/18
In attendance – DJT, Po, Pete Cotton, Quinny
This time, the adventure took us from two pubs that I never knew existed to one that I frequented on numerous occasions. In fact, I had a little trepidation regarding reviewing the Noah’s Ark as it used to be quite a regular haunt. From the outside, the pub looks really nice, being a large, old white building with a large carpark and ample outside seating area. The main entrance is at the front of the pub as you’d expect but there is also a smaller entrance at the rear. The lions guarding the front entrance are a nice touch (they aren’t real lions, obviously). As you enter, you can tell that the pub is set up predominantly as a food pub rather than a drinker’s one. However, on many of my recent visits there does seem to be a severe lack of diners. Saying that, there was a lack of drinkers too for such a large establishment, which was strange considering we visited on the day before a bank holiday. The area to the left is the dining area, which does look quite nice, and by all accounts the food isn’t too bad. The bar is on your left, and there are pretty posh tiles on the floor in this area. The drinking area is slightly up a level to the right, which has a wooden floor and the stools and leather seating is comfortable enough.
Drinks-wise, if you drink lager you have plenty of choice, with Carling, Amstel, Birra Moretti, San Miguel and Stella available on draft. If you prefer a less fizzy beer the outlook isn’t as good, with only Wainwrights and Guinness being your only choices. If you want a Fruli, you’ll be disappointed but if you wanted you could substitute it for an Aspalls cider or Strongbow Dark Fruits. Although that would be like getting a Vauxhall Astra whilst your Porsche was in the garage. Due to the lack of choice, I went for the Wainwrights, which retailed at £3.40 and was a pretty decent pint. Disappointedly there were no pork scratchings available.
In regards to the facilities that the pub offers, there isn’t a pool table and although there does appear to be a dartboard, there are tables in the way so I don’t think it’s functional. You also can’t vape inside but there is a small smoking area at the back with a heater. As I’ve mentioned, there is a large outside area that features a good number of benches, on some artificial grass. I can say from experience that in summer this is a good area to enjoy some alfresco drinking if the British summertime allows it. Otherwise, the pub is pretty smart inside, there is a flat screen TV and fairly soothing music was being played at an ok background level. There are photos on the wall of some local sporting personalities, and although the pub does feel really safe, there is somewhat of a lack of personality or atmosphere.
The gent’s toilets are actually some of the best that I’ve been in, there are 3 porcelain urinals, 2 cubicles and 2 sinks. The toilets are clean, smell pretty good, are clean and have nice tiling with music being piped at an unobtrusive volume. The Oxford dryer provided a good blast of air to dry your hands in double quick time. Since there were no females with us, I cannot verify any details regarding the ladies toilets. However, if they are anything like the gents there’d be no complaints.
Wrapping up then, the Noah’s Ark is a bit of a strange one. It’s not bad overall, in fact it’s quite a nice, smart establishment but it should be busier than it is and this is a bit of a concern. It’s like a less busy Plume of Feathers, with less Neil Morrissey. The kind of place that you’d take the Mrs on “date night” or somewhere to meet before heading onwards. If you’re a lager drinker, there’s plenty of choice, but real ales drinkers will be disappointed.
Beer choice/range – 2/5
Ambience – 2/5
Facilities – 2/5
Location – 4/5
Pork scratchings – 0/5
Fruli – 0/1
Toilets – 5/5
Other – 2.5/5
Overall – 21.5/41
Random Attendee Comments –
“The Two Pint Perspective pork scratching drought continues. Is there an unreported pig shortage in the UK? Why isn’t this bigger news? It’s also hard to review a pub that I’ve sat in more times than my own living room. Decent yet unspectacular. To be fair, I can’t wait to go to a pub that I’d describe as spectacular. I don’t think I’ve found one yet” – Po
“Disappointed at the lack of pairs of animals but other than that, it’s ok. A bit lacking in character and sterile but not so much that you’d avoid the place. You’d go here en route to somewhere better” – Quinny